Okay. Okay. Stay cool. Everything is totally cool. You're just going on a date with David Bowie, that's all. It's no big deal, you've met lots of famous people before, no big deal, Darla does it all the time and you can, too, she was besties with Oscar Wilde. Not a thing. It's not like David Bowie is the coolest man to ever live except Richard and maybe Spike (although maybe not because, let's face it, David Bowie). No, everything's going to be totally fine, and I really should have packed a magic mirror because gosh, I know how to do everything just fine without one and I have a camera and all but really it's such a pain to take my picture every time I want to make sure I look all right, I really need to get just a little one for my purse although Richard might steal it to see himself more often. But it's okay, you don't need a mirror, Delilah, you look fine.
But do you look David Bowie-fine? David Bowie-date-fine? Where did I put that camera. Maybe-- oh, no, that's the cab, shoot that's the cab, oh God oh God oh God that's the cab and then in ten minutes I'll be eating with David Bowie oh God oh God calm down either breathe calmly or don't do it at all but oh God David David David David.
Yeah, hello Mr. Cab Driver, you know what I'm gonna do tonight? Sit across from David Bowie, that's what. Flirt with David Bowie, that's what. Stare into those pretty mismatched eyes all night, that's what. Oh my God Delilah, don't squeal, the driver's going to think you're crazy. Just relax. You need to focus on a game plan, anyway. To get the most out of the best present ever. Just relax and think.
Oh, gosh, what am I going to talk to him about? I don't want to come off like some lame, creepy fangirl even if I totally am, but I guess all his fangirls are a little lame and creepy, but I'm not, I'm the bomb-diggity, that's right, Delilah, you got this, you're going to charm the pants off of David Bowie. Maybe literally. Maybe. Richard did say he wouldn't mind, and he promised, so that means he's telling the truth, but he might just think that he won't mind. Although who knows, sometimes he looks the other way as long as I look the other way a little too. But this is just a present so he might not even need me to look the other way for him. I'm sure he'd be fine with it. But would I? I don't think I'd be able to handle sleeping with David. It would just be too much. I'd faint. Right on the threshold of the bedroom and bam I'd be on the floor, blacked out. No way. Also, it would almost spoil him. There's so much magic and mystery about him that it would nearly be a disappointment to see him with his clothes off like a normal person but oh man I'll bet he's sexy.
But what if he's not so good in bed, anyway? I'll bet he is, though, of course he is. Look at his wife, after all. Is she a vampire? She must be. Is he a vampire? I don't know. Maybe. What if he's something else? Oh my gosh, what if he's really a goblin king? Oh my God, how do I ask that without looking incredibly dumb? You can't ask that, Delilah, don't be ridiculous. 'Oh by the way, Mister Bowie, do you remember that movie with the muppets? Is that based on your life story, by chance?' But oh my God if he is that would be awesome. I mean, he can't be a vampire because he's at least aged a little so maybe he's something else? Maybe an incubus? That would explain why he's so fine. Oh, God, but what if he really is the Goblin King? No, no he's not, stop being ridiculous. You're not exactly twelve, Delilah, you know the difference between fantasy and reality. Just because he's barely aged doesn't mean he's the goblin king. He must be something else. Which is better, really, because goblin king? Please, David Bowie is too attractive to be a goblin. Even the king of them.
So what do you ask about instead? Oh my God, what would we have to talk about? What if we don't have anything in common and the whole night is just awful and awkward and I end up leaving early to save face? That would be terrible, oh, please don't let it be terrible, please think of something to talk about, Delilah. Like his music! Except he's probably tired of talking about all that. What about his son? His son is a nice safe subject. But maybe that would turn him off. I don't know, I'll bet he'd like to talk about himself. Anyone in the limelight is bound to enjoy some attention, some talking about themselves. I just won't be too obsessive and inquisitive. No pushing, no interrogations. Maybe I shouldn't ask him for his autograph after all, that would be too fan-y.
Look, just calm down. It's going to be fine. You've met other famous people before. Sure, it's David Bowie, but it's just David Bowie. Just a guy. A handsome guy, sure, and a great musician and maybe a Goblin King, but he's still no Richard. Oh, that wonderful, generous man. This is the best present I've ever received, better than anything anybody else has ever given me. All his presents are the best. He's so generous. So thoughtful, he always knows just what I want. Maybe he was putting his foot down so hard about David all this time so that he could set me up on this date as a present. That sounds a little like him, really. That silly man, I just don't even know what to do with him sometimes. I almost feel like my presents to him aren't good enough. Our anniversary is coming up soon, though. So I'll make it up to him then. Gosh, I can't believe we've been together so long. No wonder he trusts me as much as he does, if we didn't trust each other after almost a hundred years and more than a hundred of just being together then there would probably be an issue. But he has so much faith in me, trust and confidence, and he's just so wonderful.
Oh my gosh, is that the restaurant? Yes, oh God that's it. Okay, just stay perfectly calm. But what do I talk about? Normal date stuff? Is normal date stuff the same normal date stuff when you're David Bowie? But oh there's so much I want to know. For instance, is there life on Mars? And do I remind him of the babe? And would he think these questions were clever, or incredibly stupid and unoriginal? Probably that. But maybe I could get him to sing me a song. Oh my God, what song would I pick? Space Oddity? Space Oddity. No, no. Be My Wife. Or-- oh, God, China Girl. Yes, yes China Girl, that’s it. Oh, Mister Bowie, I'll be your little China girl any night. Like tonight, for instance.
Okay, don't be so nervous. You've done scarier things. How do I look? Oh, shoot, I really need to look into a proper pocket magic mirror, stupid last one breaking. I'm sure I look fine. Just be cool. You know, he did play a vampire in The Hunger, maybe he is a vampire and the aging is just a glamor. They're expecting me? Oh my God they're expecting me. David Bowie warned them about me. Richard probably warned David Bowie. I hope he didn't say anything too embarrassing. He probably told him I'd scream, or faint. Richard is such a trouble-maker. Good lord. But boy does my head feel--
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Oh. Oh my God it's David Bowie. Oh my God in a three-piece suit. Oh my God that smile. Oh God oh God calm down but oh God David Bowie just kissed you on the cheek and called you 'love', Delilah, David Bowie called you 'love' and pulled out a seat for you and he is the most handsome and wonderful man ever.
Or maybe second-most, anyway.